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Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Black Turkey

In Uncategorized on November 20, 2012 at 13:40

Aww the smell of mouth watering turkey, delicious homemade gravy, and the difficult question of who will get the last slice of pumpkin pie. Yep, it’s Thanksgiving already. One of our favorite holidays! A beautiful time to sit down to an amazing meal with the family and give thanks.

But while laughing with our loved ones and gnawing on a turkey leg, secretly we’re think of that big screen TV that’s about to go on sale in less than 24 hours. That glorious forty-inch flat screen with HD 3D eye retina high res who cares but we must have TV! And it’s 50% off! Or how about that X-Box deluxe gaming console/coffee maker your kids are nagging you about? It’s 40% off! Set the alarm, grab your rifle, and be the first one in line when those doors fly wide open. It’s black Friday. Why, just yesterday we were holding hands and giving thanks over a great big meal and today the real gobbling begins – gobble gobble those great bargains.

Now there is controversy over black Friday spilling into your actual Thanksgiving day, with some companies opening late Thursday evening. Once you’re finished scarfing down your meal, say good-bye to granny because it’s off to the stores. Poor workers who can’t even enjoy one day off for one of America’s biggest holiday. It’s straight back to work. So what’s worse: companies demanding their doors be open during Thanksgiving, or the demand in consumerism that drives the companies to do so, just to get that great deal? Shame on everyone! Sit down with your families and forget work and forget that glorious big screen TV with HD 3D  wifi touch screen capabilities, for just one day. Stop feeding your material hunger that ruins the earth and destroys families! Stop giving corporations incentives to destroy our humanity! And stop by Target on your way back from granny’s because that flat screen is going on sale for 60% with a surround sound theatre home system package deal. Yes! We love you Target!

* The X-Box/coffee maker does not exists but we hope so soon. What better way to entertain your kids and never get them out of the house.

Sabotage Anniversary

In Uncategorized on June 22, 2012 at 06:00

We can’t believe the success and positive growth of our business. We are happy to be celebrating this occasion and marking our anniversary. Yes! We’ve been bringing you the best of the best since 1806! How does one celebrate a milestone? We’re now going to treat our hard working staff members to premium instant coffee instead of the cheap stuff.

Thank you to everyone for supporting us.

 

Jacklyn Fiona Weatherbottom  (Founder, CEO, VP and Tyrant)

Sorry, that was actually 18:06 of June 22nd, 2011.

It doesn’t walk

In Uncategorized on May 19, 2012 at 06:00

We’ve already apologized and made excuses for any lazy errors in punctuation and grammar (see Eats, shoots and leaves). Our category It Doesn’t Walk however, is not a mistake as some of you might think.  As the French say ça ne marche pas (does not walk), we say it/that doesn’t work. Of course we think we’re pretty cool for this nifty little language swap. We happen to be excellent speakers of the French language here thanks to a wonderful book called French for Dummies. Highly recommend. You’ll learn words and phrases to help you get around Paris. You’ll also learn how to look like a dummy because languages can’t be taught by a book.

This category unfortunately lacks stories because we discovered Pinterest, another social media platform to waste hours on. Just like everyone, we must keep up with this in order to adapt to the modern times. It doesn’t matter if your head is about to explode trying to keep up with everything. But we beg of the world to please stop inventing new social media tools because we can’t take it anymore!!!

Felicity Hopscotch  (Editor and  3x Bejeweled champ)

Matriarchs of the families

In Uncategorized on May 13, 2012 at 08:54

Mothers are beautiful people. It’s not an easy job. They sacrifice their energy and waist line to make sure we grow up to be decent human beings. We want to shout out ‘Happy Mother’s Day!’ to all the wonderful moms out there. If you are the mother of a gay son, you’re the luckiest because you will receive better presents than your husband ever bought you.

*This Mother’s Day shout out excludes that awful tanning mom who looks like a worn out (American) football and takes her child to tanning beds.

Decision 2012

In Uncategorized on May 8, 2012 at 21:55

This year Americans will make an important decision that affects the future of this country. It is essential each individual asks what he wants for himself, and what he wants for his country. Voters made a terrible choice the last time and cannot afford another mistake.

Americans – be wise, be considerate, and be aware that you have the power to make this country great again. This is a privilege so make everyone proud. We mean it. We cannot stand another solo singer artist as the winner of America’s Got Talent. Why would we go all the way to Vegas and spend money to see a man and his guitar when there are strippers, booze and lions elsewhere? For the sake of entertainment, get it right.

Not Monday Again

In Uncategorized on April 23, 2012 at 08:52

We know how you feel. The weekend sensation of being released and avoiding the office; no colleagues and no clients only to blink and be sitting right back in that chair. Life is cruel.

To help your Monday blues we’ve composed a special little album of the cutest animals. You can’t be sad or mad after seeing these and if you hate animals, goodness sakes you have no soul.

For law and order

In Uncategorized on April 17, 2012 at 10:28

Our recent move to the US is exciting for some of us who are American here at Sabotage. It means one thing: crime shows. All the auction and antique programs were putting us to sleep but now we have full throttle television! Nothing like expensive action scenes and bad-ass cops ridding the American home front of murderers and rapists.  Nobody is bad-looking here, not even the mortician, and never is there a cop that has packed in too many donuts, well maybe a few. We tried watching Law and Order: UK while in the UK but chasing bad guys with a cold cuppa tea in one hand and a stale biscuit in the other just isn’t that exciting. We want explosions, sexy lawyers, tampered evidence, angry cops, and guns guns guns.

The  best part of a good crime drama is when the murderer claims insanity after raping and killing ten people. This had us thinking about that Norwegian guy, Breivik. What a nut! Kills 77 people, boasts about his beautiful work, says he’ll do it again, then demands he should be acquitted. What an excellent story line. Now this is no laughing matter, real crime that is. But why do Americans love their crime drama? They love to see the bad guys loose in the end and good conquer all. And they love guns guns guns.

If you’re having trouble deciding what show to light your up your Friday evening with, here is a list:

Law & Order, Law & Order:SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, Law & Order: Trial by Jury (deceased), Law & Order: Los Angeles,CSI; Crime Scene Investigation, CSI: New York, CSI: Miami, NCSI, Blue Bloods, Bones, Hawaii Five-O, American’s Most Wanted, Burn Notice, Cold Case, Cops, Criminal Minds, …………………….

Eats, Shoots and Leaves

In Uncategorized on April 6, 2012 at 17:18

Eats, Shoots and Leaves is a book by Lynne Truss about a zero tolerance for punctuation errors. Sabotage publishes stories and news daily. We only want perfection and are haunted by any errors often causing stress, panic, and sleepless nights. So a copy of the book was given to staff members as a reminder to be aware and edit all content before releasing. Instead this book makes an excellent coaster for drinks or a nice wedge for rickety tables. Perhaps we’ve been poorly educated about the rules of grammar or maybe mistakes are overlooked. It happens; it especially happens when the editor drinks too much and plays Bejeweled all the time. Here at Sabotage there actually isn’t a no tolerance policy for errors so we simply can’t fuss over grammar and punctuation down to perfection. It’s too stressful and we’d rather be on Facebook. BUT true this laziness cannot be tolerated by this attention craving, relaxed generation. So pay attention to the details and remember to review and edit.

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

‘Why?’ asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

‘Well, I’m a panda,’ he says, at the door. ‘Look it up.’

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. ‘Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.’

Sabotage HQ Relocate

In Uncategorized on March 30, 2012 at 20:49

Hello from New York City! We packed our bags and headed for the Big Apple in pursuit of bigger dreams. Our former HQ of London is no more and we will miss. Now we have to adapt to the American way of things. No more fancy words like queue and that’s smashing. We’ll have to watch our spelling and although England came before America, the American way is always right. See – we’ve already got that American spirit!

Right away we realised realized how friendly Americans are. People actually smile, say hello, ask about your day and help, a very different attitude from dreary old England. Why are they so miserable over there? Perhaps the food, the weather, hemroids, male pattern baldness….? Who knows but it’s a shame.

Our relocation means careful consideration for our audience and clients. Remember that Americans don’t get irony, not that we are trying to be funny because we are a very serious business (cough). But we only practice the upmost professionalism and we all know how offended Americans get. Oh goodness! – they are offended by everything so much that we are offended that they are offended. Anyways there was a point to this. So yes, we thank you once again for the support of Sabotage and we are excited for our new venture!

* We apologize if we offended anyone for our rant about being offended but we hold no corporate or social responsibility.

To Paris!

In Uncategorized on March 3, 2012 at 20:16

A job that allows you to travel for work is the best. Next week we are heading to Paris on a special mission. Well actually we don’t have a mission and we aren’t even getting compensated for this trip. What a lousy company! Still Paris will be amazing. Forget the typical tourist sites. This trip is all about croissants and only croissants. Also there isn’t a worry about the language barrier because we speak perfect French.

Bonjour!

Le bread

Tu speak la English?

Ooo la la.